Domino Effect

Photo Credit: One Domino (Great video in link, that offers a detailed example of the domino effect)

Post inspired by Joe's "Dirty Dirties"

It's one fear.  One core fear. The scariest thought, the outcome you dare not consider, your darkest secret, your most shameful memory. It has burdened your journey long enough to feel it is a part of you, and has in many ways shaped who you are. It controls the decisions you make and is the cause for the hesitations  you take to simply LIVE.  It is that which has convinced you are limited and you better not dare proclaim otherwise. It is what assures you over and over you don't deserve to be free.

But if for a moment,  truth is allowed to shine it's light, in it's glare, you'd see freedom.  Maybe you have seen it, in glimpses, but lacked the courage or strength needed to follow through.

Is your story the one that ends without obtaining freedom?  Is your story the one that ends in that moment of sorrow where the person looks out the window with regret emitting mournfully out of their last breath, wondering what if? If your life were taken today, where would you stand?

When choosing to work our lives around preventing a fear from coming true, a domino effect begins to take effect.  Just as one lie can escalate of out control, so can a fear.  When we look at our lives, how many choices are made in the direction of living bravely in honesty and trusting what unfolds? How many  are choices are made to maneuver our lives around avoiding surfacing some aspect of ourselves we are not comfortable with, or a situation we fear?

Ask yourself, are you building a maze of fear, or unfolding the path of truth?

Just as it started with one fear...you can change the direction by making one brave move.

Imagine that. Looking back at a life of brave and honest choices.  Imagine that.

And it starts with just ONE brave move.

Day Four

It seems I have had my fill. By day four my eyes are open a little before eight, and I lay in bed just listening to the birds and swaying branches and passing cars and lawns being mown in the distance until about nine. I am still not deeply breathing, but my breathe is more open. As I expand within myself, I feel the kinks of stress twinge and respond to the stretch. I have had a quite interesting experience with back pain recently. After some stressful events I began to have terrible shoulder pain, a sort of sharp swelling, that has over the course of two weeks travelled down my back. It seems my life so rarely has such type of stress induced, that my body reacted aggressively to it. Now it's last bits lay mostly in my lower back, and leave only little stiffness in the shoulder blades.

As this week soon comes to end, I have realized a couple of things. I find the term "I" very useful to distinguishing the internal processing of this entity, for the sake of understanding and openly expressing this self. Non dual talk is officially in the garbage. Second, I am a hermit who loves to be alone, separated from the insanity of humanity in most of it's ways. In the last years I made an honest attempt to seek out friends, company, that would hopefully enrich the story unfolding, but that has not been the case. Besides I listen to myself better, alone. Third, I am raising a human being and there is nothing more important to me than that. The reason I can not paint, or draw, or what have you, is because my current focus does not allot the time I need to work, and I do no work fast nor rushed. I do not have time for layers of paint to dry. I do not have time to get a sketch right. Writing seems to be a reasonable outlet. I enjoy it just as much anyway. I have in idleness found my priorities. More than being a gallery artist, I would rather express my creativity through enriching and deeply enjoying my daughter's childhood and diving into the world of self sustainability.

I never liked painting on rectangles anyway..much to in the box feel, constricted to size, and shape. My picture, my vision, just doesn't fit.

Righteous Self Indulgence

I haven't written for a while now, and I can not guarantee that there will something for you to read. I can only follow the moment and use the time allotted. I have a week where the days are free, with no plans or appointments or children and the hubby is around only until the late afternoon. On day 1 I burned the to do list that had just been carefully and meticulously fabricated the day before and slept in until about 11, sadly this was as late as I could manage to keep myself in and out of desired sleep, tossing and turning hoping the sun could turn off so I could rest. It was until I'd given up that hope that I got myself out of bed and hugged a warm cup of coffee served from my wonderful no carafe coffee maker scheduled to keep my coffee warm for four more hours. No rush. I sank pleasurably into the the silence of the house. No phone nearby beeping notifications, the TV and music player off, only the sounds of the air conditioner turning on and off and the scuffling of our guinea pig, Freeduh, accompanied me. Such a wonderful moment is hardly delivered to me now a days. And yet somehow I manage to let a twinge of guilt come through, nudging, urging, to get one thing done. You'd be happy to know I quickly shrugged that pestering thought off. There was just no way I was going to waste my time on guilt, not at least before I guiltlessly selfishly self indulged in the nothingness of the present moment first.

I sit, sip, and dive into the inner world that has been dormant, cast aside, listed as not a priority in my usual day of being. I know it's a priority. I know it's important. But there just isn't enough time. If I selfishly indulge in a cup of coffee and write for an hour, maybe two, I will by the end have become a neglectful mother of a four year old, who will be running around first happily, then idly, then desperately beg for me to join her in embracing the day and get some love and attention. I can't quite swallow that being the case. At night, when she is asleep I will sip on a warm cup of tea I assure myself daily. Right. Is that before or after you spend time with your husband watching yet another movie, or before you crawl into bed half asleep after scratching Maya's back for an hour? Truth is, even when I try to make time, I only seem to add unnecessary stress instead.

So allow me this week of self indulgence, where I am not preoccupied with being a mother or a wife or a community organizer or friend, but just a moody, pensive, deep in existential thought of a being. There will be plenty of time, I am sure, for everything else, eventually.

Untangled Heart

As my heart untangles itself from the past,

 for a moment it is present.

Here

A moment of freedom

A moment of love

Where your eyes become mirrors

of all I want to see

Where my body is beating a pulse

of higher vibration

Here

 I feel liberation

I can be without fear

I am released from tears

In this moment 

I can see a door

to a lit room

of exploding light

As I walk through the door

I am immersed in Love

I am light

I am you

Talking Soul Waking Heart

As the wave rolls in and touches my toes,

an ancient part of me awakes from a deep slumber.

The cold tingling desire that arises within my heart is once again familiar.

Needing no more

I dive in and embrace my own depth

Then I come up and and embrace my own freedom.

My soul once again speaks through a pen

My heart once again clearly on paper

Oh Joy!

I float in a sea of happiness...

A simple but treasured delight has been returned to me

as the sun rises after a very long night.

What delight!

What do you see?

Laying down, I observe the tree branches sway back and forth as the afternoon breeze rolls in. The leaves change to different tones of green, from dark to bright lime, and I am mesmerized by this moment. Simple beauty constantly around to embrace. My backyard a candy land for my eyes, should they take the time to see it as so.

I reach for a fallen leaf and put it up to the sun. After a long stare, the fine veins branching out of the main veins begin to appear. A maze. The maze of life appears on this leaf, if I take the time to see it. I see the tree in the leaf, drawn in detail within the veins. I see rows of trees drawn in expanding perspective. To multiply, to expand and grow. To live. It's all there, when the mind is quiet enough to see it.

I grab a sketch pad and begin to draw this detailed maze I see. Taking the time to draw every tiny vein quickly becomes a rigorous endeavor. The mind insists on taking short cuts, on filling in, rather than drawing what is really there. I am forced to stop many times to keep my mind in check, to make sure I am consciously choosing the the leaf I see, rather than the leaf mind insists on drawing.

A mirror to life after realization. When a conscious choice has been made to see truth, mind may not agree. Mind is geared to create short cuts, fill in gaps rather than leave them unknown and allow all to slowly unfold and appear. The constant reminder, the mantra, is to see beyond mind, to see beyond personal interest, and to find that place where simple sight can be enjoyed, if but for a moment.

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

One path. Two ways to walk the road. A fork in perception.

Wisdom enters the body differently than knowledge.

Wisdom comes through the humble understanding, that the entity is the student. The entity is allowing information to come through to receive gained understanding of the conscious connection to the experienced existence.

Knowledge is a more selfish act..one of egoic intentions. It is to desire to obtaining information for personal gain. To get above and in control of what is existence.

Wisdom feels like it is being ingrained into your depth, woven in. The understanding being revealed, with deep purpose and substance.

Knowledge feels like a chase where we are never quite fast enough, to what always feels is right under our nose.

It is.

If we wisened up...we'd know. :-)

Dear Consciousness

I see your many faces, I endure your many phases, each one in every way, those pleasant and those not so pleasant. All surprise and humble me. Me, this entity, no more than a slice in a grain of sand in the grand scope of things. When you first rang a bell in my heart, I did not know how small I was, I could not conceive I was nothing, nothing at all. Rattled I sought to understand. What made it so difficult was how deluded we all became the more you tuned in. All was changing, and I felt there was no turning back.

When we finally met..it was surreal..and is now the most real it's ever felt. You're never gone away, and we are never apart. Ingrained, woven in the the fabric of my being, pulsating, all the time. And though I am still here, it's different. I am free. Free of the doubt, just trying to figure out the mechanics.

"Lift not the painted veil which those who live"

Lift not the painted veil which those who live

Call Life: though unreal shapes be pictured there,

And it but mimic all we would believe

With colours idly spread, - behind, lurk Fear

And Hope, twin Destinies; who ever weave

Their shadows, o'er the chasm, sightless and drear.

I knew one who had lifted it - he sought,

For his lost heart was tender, things to love,

But found them not, alas! nor was there aught

The world contains, the which he could approve.

Though the unheeding many he did move,

A splendour among shadows, a bright blog

Upon this gloomy scene, a Spirit that strove

For truth, and like the Preacher found it not

By Percy Bysshe Shelley

Jump

I remember being young and staring up at the damn thing. Waves of nervousness and excitement lurked around me as family and friends lined up against the fence to watch a buddy or relative take the dive. I remember the envy my heart would feel for those who were free enough, brave enough. Strapped, hopefully tightly enough, without any guarantee, they began to rise inside the crate. I would tell myself a million excuses why it was not reasonable to do it. I justified being on the side lines, not being willing to live on the edge just yet. When they jumped and screamed horror, then joy and estatic release, I promised myself, one day, that was going to be me. It never made sense, and for years I'd never had the guts to, but, 'one day,' kept the door open just enough...

Now...I've done it.

I was visiting a friend from my hometown, and she came up with the idea. She was seeking a declaration of independence of some sort and wanted someone to come along. Nothing inside of me said no. Nothing in me jumped or screamed excitement. When we finally got to the Island where the bungee jumping was located, we stared at the tall crate, with no one inside, or lined up to be next. My heart beat fast, my mind mumbled some quick nonsense, but deep inside, I felt steady.

As I was getting strapped for the jump, I continued to observe my body, and the layers of reaction occurring. I could see, vividly, that if I attached to the emotions, gave a thought too much power, this would not happen. When I walked into the crate and it began to rise, the mind began to scream. Sensory perception was at a heightened state. When the crate rose to full height I looked around at the hotels, the lights, the pitch black sea, and starry skies. The guy behind me holding me then said: "I am going to open the clip and let you go. All you have to do is point your hands in front of you and follow them down. Don't think. Just Go." And here the hesitation and emotions were so explosive, I felt I was about to burst. I motioned to put my hands in front of me, as my mind resisted loundly, and followed them all the way down....

I began to fall. In this split second, the beauty of releasing myself from the grips of mind, sent a incredible amount of euphoria down my entire body. Release. It was full release. And after that my body jerked around following an oversized elastic rubber band around. It mirrored the surrender in the shift, so closely, so acutely. I just let go.

I wanted to fall longer. I wished there was no straps holding me. That too...mirrored the shift, since..it seemed right when I was breaking through, I was getting pulled back.

It was funny to think that while people do this temporarily, for a adrenal rush, or a temporary high...this is the way I'd been living my life.

Not all of life, if there is any intention for it to lived for an extended period of time, can be lived this way. But when the opportunity arises...I know not to think..and just jump.

Right now, is one of those moments. Time to dive out of the crate, and let myself fall.

Four Years

Four Years Today.