ID

I'm 36 years old now. I am officially raising a teenage daughter. I am divorced. I'm a college drop out. I've been heart broken. Many times. If I listed the things that I have now been to my 2006 self, I think we would agree. The mission is complete. The questions have been answered. And love...love is not what we hoped it would be. It was the gigantic detour I was warned it would be. But I was incredibly stubborn. I insisted on having that to hold on to if everything else was to go. and I sure as hell did fucken try. It's been a bittersweet knowing, one I defied with dogged determination, to be beyond love. I tried not to be. I could never say, in earnest, I was one of those who wanted to be, if anyting I was quite the romantic. But the end result was always the same. I couldn't run from what insisted on facing me, again and again. I wouldn't rush to call it a truth, or the truth, but rather a falling away of deeply embedded delusion. Fucken ey. These days, I dance mostly. When the girls are not with me, I hit a couple of underground rave spots that found me, and I start moving, and until I stop thinking. I've been pushing my limits a bit much lately. Staying up till sunrise, staying up all day, over and over until I crash. In my head, I'm determined to energetically unlock something inside me, to let something out. It refuses to be repressed any longer. Shadow work seems to be more my thing. I have not gained an appetite for love and light peeps, despite Jed Mckenna is still an annoying pompous prick no matter how many times I reread him, even if I do agree with somethings he pointed out. I do I get the disillusionment he points to though. and the deep sense of wonder. I will admit to deeply seeded anger and even resentment. I've been a promising student many times, and many times abandonded, I've been left astray, rather than refined for final mastery. I've been holding back that anger for a few years now, a good solid decade if we're being real. I've been patting myself down, justifying those teachers who abandoned me and what cause or motive they might have in having done so. I admit I get a good preliminary laugh at the thought that you'll think I'm not enlighted because I said that. Consider me an angsty diamond in the rough, but know, I am a diamond at the end of the day. I've got a theory that I'm some sort of existential guinea pig for the path I've been led down. Got a couple of peak experiences to prove it, though, you'll have to wait for the memoir, those are not quite ready for a public eye. You know what it feels like? It feels as if I was about to rebirth and I got stuck in some limbo state. Pros - I can navigate the world of ID and non ID back and forth. Con's - Living in conscious awareness of the limbo is a viscerally painful experience. It's being sliced slowly, instead of swiftly. I'm done internalizing the blame for that, because this whole waking up thing is a collective effort, it's complete bullshit people make it there alone, and that's for scientifically verifiable biological reasons and spritual reasons. Let's just say my detour has taught me a lot. There's at least that. Despite the effectiveness of negation excercises to decondition the mental programming, there's gotta be something in place to rewire and reprogram the person in transition of perceptive capacity. I've always got more questions than answers, but now, I've got a few mother fucking things to say. #1 - After being hurt for so long - it feels real damn good to be angry. #2 - Decondition the ID yes - Deprogram mind - yes - but do not toss the baby out with the baby water. YOU are here. YOU deserve to be here. Include 'I' in the equation for reintegration, but don't confuse yourself with GOD just because your perception momentarily expanded a bit. Balance ya now or you'll get wound up in silly talk. #3 - Here - in whatever the heck this is - this holographic simulation birthed from a 4D demi-urge dragon womb that feeds off of light to produce dark mater - somehow is reactive to the idea of truth and particularly to 'I' being conscious of it. There is no rest, true rest since waking. No matter how nice the day, or how beautiful the connection. and there is no security that I'll ever get to see the exit or if there is a final truth at the top of the summit. I lean on believing I live in conscious awareness of an ingeniously crafted existential ridde these days.. So there is the pending hypothesis, and enough evidence to consider officially theorizing...that even this - is not truth realization - or rather that truth realization is embedded into the intelligence of the design that lives and breathes and we call our heart. There is a chance - nothing was outsmarted at all. more on that and the coding of reality later. I think that's enough, for me to type for now. Later.

Phase 3: The Return

Words. 

Words before transmission were pivotal to my journey down the rabbit hole. 
I wrote and read vigorously.
I was ravenously seeking answers and diligently taking notes of the shifts, the breakthroughs, the setbacks, and the unnerving questions.

Afterwards, words were the hardest. I was silent for a long time and wrote intermittently post transmission. Words were difficult because, words, communication in general, interfered with experience post transmission. It's a very subtle un-invasive knowing. Trying to conceptualize it only diluted direct experience. The nature of our language is to name, categorize, distinguish one from another. Post-transmission, I found greater understanding in perceiving directly without naming, the mere thought of categorizing felt to devolve my perception rather than aid it. 

I wanted to communicate it, but I wanted to experience it more than understand it. Most attempts to share it only cemented its subtlety, which I admit was slightly disappointing. I could see but there was no way to help others automatically see past themselves. Despite, I felt a faith of sorts in the path that unraveled. The shift in perception was better explored without direction. I trusted the map would come with time. 

In the dismantling phase, before transmission, you work hard at deconstructing the notions that get in the way. Why the work is an essential phase becomes clear post transmission. Every rock overturned nurtures the notion that nothing is as it seems. That is the only lead you have. Its the one that took me the farthest and allows me to sink in the deepest. Its quite serendipitous pair is willingness. Your willingness to journey inward is what drives the whole thing. It is what revs up the cosmic engine and puts, you, the vehicle, in drive. 

Relearning to express myself regarding the journey took time. I have developed a pet peeve for meta words, especially those that specifically attempt to point to post transmission as a place where all is discovered or nothing is embodied.  

You see, my calling was to continue on with life post transmission under some kind presumed normal. I wanted to pick up on the subtle differences in perception. I wanted to live and survive the daily struggle, see the ins and outs of our daily lives with new eyes.  We've kept the understanding masked in heady writing, in so-called sacred spaces, books, and rituals.  Having been a victim of the abuse of power that arises when putting spirituality on a silver platter reserved for a deserving minority before transmission, I needed to be sure not to promote the elitist attitudes that accompany a post-transmission communicator, or worse, those who pretend to see in the name of some kind of personal gain. 

I readily admit to having moments of doubt and regret, especially when the dread and drudgery of my life got the best of me. But, a hope that every disappointment lived was not merely my own, and that the greatest pains had a purpose lingered and it has powered me through some tough traumas and bad choices.  

Yes folks, life still gets the best of me. I am not in some nirvana bubble untouchable or un-feelable.
Quite the opposite, the first years post transmission were downright crippling. The anniversary still stirs me, I relive it again and again. Living a life afflicted with the social issues of our times coupled with the internal shifts that are a part of the daily experience of an internal path has been incredibly difficult. I could only face one phase at a time. 

Relearning to live, choosing what to keep plus dealing with the lefover trauma and wounds from my life pre-transmission took a decade to sort through, and I'd be foolish to imply my work is done. 

I have dismantled, processed, and adjusted enough to have something to say. All I ask is you remember I am only playing my part in a play I don't know the whole story to. Just a puppet aware of the strings. A flicker on the screen conscious of being a flicker. A little light in a large dark place.  

Embodiment After Transcendence: Social awareness and Activism through Modeling Behavior of our Authentic State of Being

On the tenth night of October of 2006, I laid in my apartment floor feeling how the carpet hairs made my skin tingle as they danced a passionate tango with the goosebumps that rose across my arms, legs, and the back of my neck.  I stared at the ceiling fan and watched it spin as one would if the concept of time had suddenly become extinct and eternity were being felt and experienced directly for the very first time. A perceptive shift was reconfiguring my entire reality and I could feel it happening. I felt the liberation, the shock, the emptiness, and then, the healing.  It was quiet. Very quiet. Inside, not a single thought was occurring.  This freed up a lot of space for my senses to explore and be immersed in a constant state of curiosity and wonder. No assumptions were made. No hesitations. No concepts. No boundaries.  The full direct experience of this reality in full flared awareness was so overwhelming I could not move. I could only lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling fan, and you know what? It was fucking amazing.  Nothing could stop the joy from bursting out of me, nothing.

I want to help you relate by saying it was as if my life and my death were happening all at once so you could try to imagine that and say you could feel what I felt, but the thing is, I couldn't feel myself dying.  In concept, we create a story, in story we create separation, and in separation we create death.  Without concept, every cell was a battery that was constantly being recharged without effort, in eternity, it simply happened. All was taken care of.  Without thought interference the body was functioning perfectly, and so the experience of laying flat on the floor, in full senses,  was an absolutely fascinating experience. It was as if the ceiling fan was capable of telling the story of its consciousness, and I could listen to it.

My eyes began to look around. The high ceilings reflected different tones of white, cream, beige, gray, and yellow. It seemed more of a patchy fog rather than a flat solid wall of white.  I could not see solidity in the ceiling.  As the colorful patches of ceiling floated above me, it was as if I could see smaller and smaller particles the longer I stared. I did not want to close my eyes.  Without effort, my eyes stayed open, my breathe paced steadily, while my brain fired up the entire experience.  I looked for corners and only saw a foggy gray expanse.

I turned my head to the side and observed the texture of the carpet. As I observed every carpet hair, shinning and reflecting the light above me, the cool air from the vent above fell steadily on my skin. I stared  into the distance, then stared up close, and a black opening, with matrix like feel to it began to appear, as this purple electricity arising out of it expanded as I focused on it.

I could see through the projection of subject/object, but what is this behind it?

My body engulfs in an overwhelming load of excitement and intrigue, like a character from a video game suddenly becoming aware of being only a figment of light emanating from a television set. What a majestic realization considering the physical limitations of the entity.

What the hell do I do now? I look around. I take it in.

My roommate comes into the apartment. I hear the front door open and close, her footsteps cross the apartment, her door shuts, and I am in awe at the experience without concept present.  Nothing is internally said. No labels. No doors, person, or person's name, or the relationship to that person. No feet. Just sounds.  Had I been in the room it would of been sights without names or labels as well, but this offered me the opportunity to experience sound without visual concepts to interfere or define. In awe, I went to the computer and picked out a song I normally hated, and listened.  No judgment occurred. Just sound. Amazing sound. All of it holy. All of it a unique symphony of pulses of existence, expressed for a moment, vibrations of existence going along their way.

I was 21. This is how my adulthood began.

After some time, when the thoughts returned, the question that begged an answer above all was:

Would it make any difference?

Would I be able to fall in love?  What was love to me now? Would I go off to some obscure sacred land, or spend some time in a monastery? Would I write a book? Could I write at all? Should I talk about it? Could I talk about it?

Seven years later I can tell you, YES, it makes a world of a difference. It has taken some time to adjust but, YES, it's worth it.   I can fall in love deeply, without reservation, AND let go, when its time to go.  I can enjoy a landscape whether local or on vacation and enjoy nature's magnificence with the wonder and innocence of a child. I'm finally writing, as my heart much more easily finds the words that create a flexible conceptualization of that subtle inner state I'm pointing to that is inside of all of us, begging to be found.

These evolutionary shifts are an integral part of our growth, and much more natural to follow than the previous systems, for many had such rigid structures it became difficult to integrate growth dynamics and change.  Movement is life. We are fluid beings that are built to get up and try again until we get it right.  We are beings of process not perfection. These experiences of the subtle states are an initiation, a glimpse of the eternal, that give us what we need to begin to release ourselves from the shackles of self imposed limitation, fears, and death.

Although it was not the back door or the secret exit to the next vortex, working hard to purge my inner self of old paradigms and thought processes has made this reality a new beginning. I see the same life with different eyes, and through this new lens my reality is transformed into pure magic. The full flared awareness of my evolution is a roller coaster ride where I am now a conscious co-creator rather than a mere passenger. I take responsibility for what I create. I find passion in my maturing social awareness, where I realize we are all interconnected, and we are all creating our microcosm in this majestic macrocosm, pulsing out with the rest of what is out there.

I vow to pulse truth, love, and freedom with all my might. I vow to be a guardian of our innocence, our curiosity, and sense of wonder.  I promise to remind the world of the purity of our consciousness and that we are here to play.  And life now manifests the perfect scenario to do that every day.

So, in end, if you ever wonder if it's worth being willing, I am here to tell you, I would have it not other way.

Namaste.

Loving Every Curve Inside and Out

My Birthday weekend began the way I'd envisioned it.  I was running from disappointment, so I headed where I had done my running from things best, my hometown, Brownsville, Texas. Like a good life long friend, it holds the neighborhoods that return to the surface the memories of my young childhood days. It was the home for my rebellious teenage years and like a good girlfriend, it had held space for my teen angst and allowed it to unleash its fury. It was a place that was tough for my soul to grow up in, but despite, it provided the opportunity to experience specific troubles and struggles that shape who I am, or better yet, have learned not to be. I grew up identifying with what my best friend Rudy called the 'stray cat syndrome.'  I loved to be loved, I loved to be embraced, and fed, and nourished, but I was too proud to allow it, too hurt to be vulnerable.  On my terms only, or none at all.  If you haven't noticed yet, freedom is incredibly important to me. During this trip I learned my ideas of freedom at these points in my life were immature, and this return to home made the evolution of my concept of freedom very clear.

The difference between this latest attempt to hide my Birthday from the rest was how quickly I noticed. When my Birthday arrived, I felt a significant difference.  I did not need silence or isolation anymore.  Like a student of meditation coming out of a silent retreat, I felt great need to express the joy and happiness bursting out, and I very much wanted to share it with friends, and their friends, and whomever wanted to be a part of the fun.  I realized I had arrived to a place where I was open to love and be loved.  The journey of embodiment continues to settle in and come full circle, inside and out. In Presence, there is an integration of self occurring in both purpose and direction.  My discipline tuned in and included 'me' and the course steadily moved forward. 

Brownsville's backroads beckoned me to explore them.  I drove those curvy county roads filled with Mesquite trees and Orange Orchards. I passed the Resacas lined with Palm trees, and the fields of Sunflowers facing the sun, bursting with joy and liberation, but most of all, tender integration. I drove, I explored, and I fell in love. I see the home of my childhood with the same wonder as I did when I was five, but better, through the improved lense of full flared self awareness. Here the landscape of my past is healed and I'm finally at peace with every aspect of myself, and I feel the freedom and lightness of being as I sweetly, in this landscape, fully embrace and love all that is me. 

I had initially not felt sure of seeing my parents, since it is one of the most sensitive places for me to revisit, but the courage brought by this weekend's breakthrough send a positive sign towards the opportunity.  I said to myself nothing needed to change, neither I or them, we were only souls learning, and love and learning is what supplies the rest.  I am very happy I was brave enough to do so.  Their religion does not permit them to talk to someone who was baptized within the religion and then decided to opt out, and this has been a cause of deep pain for all of us. I decided to love them through this, deeply and sincerely.  I am grateful I gave myself the opportunity to love them, and I clearly see how they are an integral part of me, and how I carry them inside of me. As we grow old together our similarities become more obvious, from mannerisms, to looks, to tastes, and tendencies.  I admire them for who they are, the struggles they endure, and am deeply grateful for all they have taught me about life.  Because of them a quest for Truth was inspired, because of them, freedom is the core of my being, and through them I've learned that Love is the benevolent force that should never be compromised, for it is the key to successfully and consciously evolve as a humanity. 

I come home satisfied and begin the 28th year of my life with a good hug to my past, a loud cheer for my present, and a giggle of excitement for my future. 

Transition Lenses

I had for several years now attempted to see this world through those transcendent lenses that had once showed me the amazing capabilities of man in a state of conscious and selfless purity.  Such a clean direct view seemed the ultimate form of perception.  Yet, in always attempting to transcend the moment, see beyond it, or in it always digging for deeper and deeper depth, I had forgotten how to enjoy shallow water.  For the repetitive, everyday tasks of the day, transcendence did little for me, and eventually my reality was arising through a filter of frustration.  Five years in, I understood the stress and the grime my neighbors and friends carried heavily, but I did not have a door.  The fact was, there was no exit.  When I had first embarked on the journey to transcend my limited egoic perceptive state I was running from reality.  I'd had it with the lies, the limitation, the chains and constrains of concept, subject/object dualities. I wanted more. I wanted out.  Through diligence and dedication I transcended, but I did not escape, or disappear.   What to do next? I've sat on this one question for many years, and attempted to give it an answer and a purpose, but nothing felt solid.  Then, my dear soul brother, Boz, reappeared with a writing where he told the story of a car ride to a marathon with a Buddhist.  When asked about the topic of meditation, he mentioned his method to be one of organizing thoughts where they are much more easily digested, and that his practice was about finding joy in repetitive tasks.  Couple difficult thoughts with an easy, stable thought, such as 'the grass is green' and enjoy every second of life.  The light bulb turned on above my head.  In practicing this, the integration of self, that last bit necessary to ruthlessly and confidently own every fiber of my being fell into place.  I began to immerse in joy every moment of my life.  The good and bad humbly experienced through a state of benevolence. They gray expansive neutralizing the dual perception so that every experience is embraced and accepted for the sake of experiencing life through the unique recipe of 'I'.

 There is much to enjoy in being alive.

Like an artist who only knew paint and has now discovered mixed media, I rejoice in having gained new tools to help co-create an evolving reality.  My hope is that one day we all do it joyously, together.

  I understand without a doubt now that to stand for suffering is absolutely futile.  There is way too much in life available to fill our hearts with joy to consider otherwise.  What is pure to your heart, is pure to your purpose, and what is pure in path is essential to the evolution of humankind and the embodiment of consciousness.  When we are not boxed in we are filled with opportunity. The possibilities are endless, and all that is left is that we reflect in our steps and choose wisely the adventure.  Each of our lives is a unique adventure. A story unfolding.  When we say "things have to be this way" or "this is the way things have always been" we speak lies! The truth is life is always changing, maneuvering, growing, transforming, evolving, and taking flight.  Movement is life.

The effect of this practice is to create a perception through which every moment is honored so deeply, it purifies the desires of the conscious being.  Humbled by the ability to enjoy every moment of life, one is delivered the energy needed to see the possibilities for growth and improvement as achievable endeavors.  We are beings of process not perfection.  Enjoy the journey. This my friends, will eliminate much shame we carry, for here, we can accept ourselves as we are, for simply existing. 

I close my thoughts for today by taking a moment to honor the nomad in all of us, the lover of movement, transition, and growth. Please, in honor of the freedom in us all,  check out Joe Boswell's site for his upcoming book, and his kickstarter campaign to offer much deserved support:


https://spacetimebicycle.jux.com/

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1056605397/spacetime-bicycle-a-transformative-peace-of-nonfic

Enjoy!

Refreshing Reminicense

FRESH air.  I did not realize how long it's been since I had a nice inhale of nitrogen filled freshness! My morning routine began with wobbling across the house to let Molly, our Catahoula, out this morning.  My sleepy eyes grew wide, as my scalp and toes felt tingled by the sensation of a cool breeze. A full gray sky promises it to stay this way for the rest of the day, but in Texas, in Corpus Christi, one should not make such assumptions so quickly.  Despite of how the day will end, this refreshing surprise, is a beautiful start.  My heart feels light and filled with promise. The windows are open now, the air is flowing, and I can feel the air in the house shifting.  Much much needed I will say.  All this really sets the tone for me to twinge a bit as my mind flashes through many moments down memory lane through all the times that promising change has been on the horizon. You know that moment where you are a child again, in exploration mode, facing the unknown, open and excited to learn and understand, it's no surprise that such a feeling creates magical state of perception.  Before, this feeling came through times of instability, through perseverance, through turmoil, through leaving, detaching, all for nothingness, for expansiveness of being. I was young, fast, and impulsive, and dry sponges absorb the most moisture much quicker you could say.  Presently, it comes through sitting and enjoying the moment, through embracing my family, going for walks and playing with Molly, crafting, and most of all through working in my growing garden.  I am young still, but now slower, steadier, more balanced, and there is a great sense of empowerment that accompanies that.  Entering this refreshing fall with cooler winds and refreshing rain, I am ready to soak in all the beautiful change that has occurred this year.  It's nice to see that in a year that began with the resolution to find balance I cross the first half with my toes squishing delightfully in the mud, while still reaching up to the farthest stars, all while my wonderful little (and growing) family live, love, and laugh with me.

I once sat and watched a sunrise after a long run and deeply meditated on what journey would be the best for a clear mind, an open heart, and the perception of a newborn.  What came was not to climb a holy mountain, or become some sort of guru, but to live the normal life, the daily life, fully.  I admit to being a little puzzled, but six years later, I could not have a better answer.  The trials of learning to love one person fully, the challenges of motherhood, and facing my fear of stability, have inspired a growth I could of never imagined for myself. In the way my heart has grown, the wisdom my being has gained, the understanding that reshapes my mind daily, I can see a happy old lady a ways down the road, sitting on a porch, surrounded by a over grown edible garden, watching her grandchildren play, holding the hand of her life partner, with a serene, satisfied smile on her face.

Today I end with a poem.  To all of you who take the time to listen to what this little seed's heart has to say, I send my most sincere dose of gratitude.  Make today wonderful.  :-)

Once, some time ago, a seed,
Staring at the bright stars
Dreamed to shine
Like the diamonds that sparkled
On the expansive black canopy above

Inspired, the seed,
Began to dig the rich soil
For purpose
For understanding
Hoping in black gold to find wisdom

The seed
Sitting in the dark after a long day of digging
Began to birth a plant inside.

As it dried and withered
The plant filled it's being
Broke its shell and
Transformed it forever

The roots continued to dig deep,
thirsty for wisdom and guidance.

The stem reached upward,
still dreaming of beyond.

The leaves began to appear,
at every node of growth.

The branches stretched out,
reaching for life lessons.

How it is life cycles in it's changing
seasons?
How does life appear in the brew of
all these natural forces?

The new, transformed, little seedling,
pondered, grew, and stretched
again, and again.
Digging deeper and Reaching higher
Over and over,
again and again...

Until one day,
It rained!
It shined!

And as it danced with the wind,
soaked up the rain,
and felt the sun,
the plant felt the universe
light up its heart.

Filled within with the understanding
It had for so long
dug, hoped, and reached for,
the plant shined vibrantly
in the most exquisite green.

In this state of happiness
it bloomed a magnificent pink and purple flower
And called itself
A Unicorn.

FREEDOM: PHASE 2: External Integration

I have been in many ways declaring my freedom lately, and this evening is no exception. I am currently sitting in one of Corpus Christi's fanciest hotels, sipping on a glass of fine Malbec wine, and enjoying a beautiful view of our bay.   I did something unusual today. I openly declared to Josh, my husband, I needed some time alone, and without hesitation headed out the door. No official plan, just time to my self.  My Self.  Being a advocate of supporting local community my first thoughts were to go to a local cafe or tea house, but I didn't want to be known, I desired to be somewhere where I was unfamiliar.  As I drove down the hotel strip, I saw the Omni in which my parents and I stayed so many times during my childhood, and knew that was it.  For an evening I am a tourist, enjoying the Corpus Christi Bay as if I have never seen it before.  It takes a few moments (ok a few seconds) to enjoy the royalty with which I treat myself tonight.  With a fine Malbec as my companion, I sip in the afternoon, as the cars pass through, the runners sweat on by, the afternoon breeze sways all palm trees to a slight left, and I smile.  I am finding the importance of taking the time to make myself smile much more seriously. If I declared on Facebook the kind of relationship I have been having with myself,  the relationship status 'Abandoned' would have be added to the selection. A question arises; how many of us know what makes us happy?  How many of us cater to our individuality, respect it? I can understand why we don't.  There are plenty of perfectly valid sounding excuses to do so.  Trust me, I know, I've told myself plenty.  When you are a parent, there is no time to be selfish.  Too focused on surviving and getting everything done is far more than enough on the plate. To just enjoy life? Don't you dare try! Where would you find the time?!  I could feel the eyes of all on me just from thinking I'd like sometime alone.  And yet, now here I am, giving myself an afternoon, and it's far from the big deal imagined it would be.

To those of you, especially those with families, who've managed to successfully give all aspects of your life proper time, I tip my glass of Malbec to you and cheer for your skill at balancing all these plates life asks us to juggle, but in honesty, this is something I've had the hardest time with.  One of my favorite things to do since a teenager, to enjoy time with myself, has been hard since becoming a mother.  I could not see being devoted to such an important task, and being able to walk away for a minute working out.  For the sake of company and friendship I managed to justify, but not for myself.  Not anymore I would say.

Well, now I say, never again, will I refuse to deliver myself the time necessary to be a healthy, independent, autonomous, human being. I will now be a woman who fully digs her own depth, embraces her own heart, and engages with her own mind. I take myself in as I imagine a tender lover would, and simply listen and appreciate all that I am.

And this is just the beginning of the changes occurring.  This is level 2 in the chase for freedom.  Internal was phase 1.  External integration phase 2..and I'll tell you what...I am for the first time feeling the master of my reality.

Cheers and a drink to that.

Domino Effect

Photo Credit: One Domino (Great video in link, that offers a detailed example of the domino effect)

Post inspired by Joe's "Dirty Dirties"

It's one fear.  One core fear. The scariest thought, the outcome you dare not consider, your darkest secret, your most shameful memory. It has burdened your journey long enough to feel it is a part of you, and has in many ways shaped who you are. It controls the decisions you make and is the cause for the hesitations  you take to simply LIVE.  It is that which has convinced you are limited and you better not dare proclaim otherwise. It is what assures you over and over you don't deserve to be free.

But if for a moment,  truth is allowed to shine it's light, in it's glare, you'd see freedom.  Maybe you have seen it, in glimpses, but lacked the courage or strength needed to follow through.

Is your story the one that ends without obtaining freedom?  Is your story the one that ends in that moment of sorrow where the person looks out the window with regret emitting mournfully out of their last breath, wondering what if? If your life were taken today, where would you stand?

When choosing to work our lives around preventing a fear from coming true, a domino effect begins to take effect.  Just as one lie can escalate of out control, so can a fear.  When we look at our lives, how many choices are made in the direction of living bravely in honesty and trusting what unfolds? How many  are choices are made to maneuver our lives around avoiding surfacing some aspect of ourselves we are not comfortable with, or a situation we fear?

Ask yourself, are you building a maze of fear, or unfolding the path of truth?

Just as it started with one fear...you can change the direction by making one brave move.

Imagine that. Looking back at a life of brave and honest choices.  Imagine that.

And it starts with just ONE brave move.

Day Four

It seems I have had my fill. By day four my eyes are open a little before eight, and I lay in bed just listening to the birds and swaying branches and passing cars and lawns being mown in the distance until about nine. I am still not deeply breathing, but my breathe is more open. As I expand within myself, I feel the kinks of stress twinge and respond to the stretch. I have had a quite interesting experience with back pain recently. After some stressful events I began to have terrible shoulder pain, a sort of sharp swelling, that has over the course of two weeks travelled down my back. It seems my life so rarely has such type of stress induced, that my body reacted aggressively to it. Now it's last bits lay mostly in my lower back, and leave only little stiffness in the shoulder blades.

As this week soon comes to end, I have realized a couple of things. I find the term "I" very useful to distinguishing the internal processing of this entity, for the sake of understanding and openly expressing this self. Non dual talk is officially in the garbage. Second, I am a hermit who loves to be alone, separated from the insanity of humanity in most of it's ways. In the last years I made an honest attempt to seek out friends, company, that would hopefully enrich the story unfolding, but that has not been the case. Besides I listen to myself better, alone. Third, I am raising a human being and there is nothing more important to me than that. The reason I can not paint, or draw, or what have you, is because my current focus does not allot the time I need to work, and I do no work fast nor rushed. I do not have time for layers of paint to dry. I do not have time to get a sketch right. Writing seems to be a reasonable outlet. I enjoy it just as much anyway. I have in idleness found my priorities. More than being a gallery artist, I would rather express my creativity through enriching and deeply enjoying my daughter's childhood and diving into the world of self sustainability.

I never liked painting on rectangles anyway..much to in the box feel, constricted to size, and shape. My picture, my vision, just doesn't fit.

Righteous Self Indulgence

I haven't written for a while now, and I can not guarantee that there will something for you to read. I can only follow the moment and use the time allotted. I have a week where the days are free, with no plans or appointments or children and the hubby is around only until the late afternoon. On day 1 I burned the to do list that had just been carefully and meticulously fabricated the day before and slept in until about 11, sadly this was as late as I could manage to keep myself in and out of desired sleep, tossing and turning hoping the sun could turn off so I could rest. It was until I'd given up that hope that I got myself out of bed and hugged a warm cup of coffee served from my wonderful no carafe coffee maker scheduled to keep my coffee warm for four more hours. No rush. I sank pleasurably into the the silence of the house. No phone nearby beeping notifications, the TV and music player off, only the sounds of the air conditioner turning on and off and the scuffling of our guinea pig, Freeduh, accompanied me. Such a wonderful moment is hardly delivered to me now a days. And yet somehow I manage to let a twinge of guilt come through, nudging, urging, to get one thing done. You'd be happy to know I quickly shrugged that pestering thought off. There was just no way I was going to waste my time on guilt, not at least before I guiltlessly selfishly self indulged in the nothingness of the present moment first.

I sit, sip, and dive into the inner world that has been dormant, cast aside, listed as not a priority in my usual day of being. I know it's a priority. I know it's important. But there just isn't enough time. If I selfishly indulge in a cup of coffee and write for an hour, maybe two, I will by the end have become a neglectful mother of a four year old, who will be running around first happily, then idly, then desperately beg for me to join her in embracing the day and get some love and attention. I can't quite swallow that being the case. At night, when she is asleep I will sip on a warm cup of tea I assure myself daily. Right. Is that before or after you spend time with your husband watching yet another movie, or before you crawl into bed half asleep after scratching Maya's back for an hour? Truth is, even when I try to make time, I only seem to add unnecessary stress instead.

So allow me this week of self indulgence, where I am not preoccupied with being a mother or a wife or a community organizer or friend, but just a moody, pensive, deep in existential thought of a being. There will be plenty of time, I am sure, for everything else, eventually.

Untangled Heart

As my heart untangles itself from the past,

 for a moment it is present.

Here

A moment of freedom

A moment of love

Where your eyes become mirrors

of all I want to see

Where my body is beating a pulse

of higher vibration

Here

 I feel liberation

I can be without fear

I am released from tears

In this moment 

I can see a door

to a lit room

of exploding light

As I walk through the door

I am immersed in Love

I am light

I am you