FREEDOM: PHASE 2: External Integration

I have been in many ways declaring my freedom lately, and this evening is no exception. I am currently sitting in one of Corpus Christi's fanciest hotels, sipping on a glass of fine Malbec wine, and enjoying a beautiful view of our bay.   I did something unusual today. I openly declared to Josh, my husband, I needed some time alone, and without hesitation headed out the door. No official plan, just time to my self.  My Self.  Being a advocate of supporting local community my first thoughts were to go to a local cafe or tea house, but I didn't want to be known, I desired to be somewhere where I was unfamiliar.  As I drove down the hotel strip, I saw the Omni in which my parents and I stayed so many times during my childhood, and knew that was it.  For an evening I am a tourist, enjoying the Corpus Christi Bay as if I have never seen it before.  It takes a few moments (ok a few seconds) to enjoy the royalty with which I treat myself tonight.  With a fine Malbec as my companion, I sip in the afternoon, as the cars pass through, the runners sweat on by, the afternoon breeze sways all palm trees to a slight left, and I smile.  I am finding the importance of taking the time to make myself smile much more seriously. If I declared on Facebook the kind of relationship I have been having with myself,  the relationship status 'Abandoned' would have be added to the selection. A question arises; how many of us know what makes us happy?  How many of us cater to our individuality, respect it? I can understand why we don't.  There are plenty of perfectly valid sounding excuses to do so.  Trust me, I know, I've told myself plenty.  When you are a parent, there is no time to be selfish.  Too focused on surviving and getting everything done is far more than enough on the plate. To just enjoy life? Don't you dare try! Where would you find the time?!  I could feel the eyes of all on me just from thinking I'd like sometime alone.  And yet, now here I am, giving myself an afternoon, and it's far from the big deal imagined it would be.

To those of you, especially those with families, who've managed to successfully give all aspects of your life proper time, I tip my glass of Malbec to you and cheer for your skill at balancing all these plates life asks us to juggle, but in honesty, this is something I've had the hardest time with.  One of my favorite things to do since a teenager, to enjoy time with myself, has been hard since becoming a mother.  I could not see being devoted to such an important task, and being able to walk away for a minute working out.  For the sake of company and friendship I managed to justify, but not for myself.  Not anymore I would say.

Well, now I say, never again, will I refuse to deliver myself the time necessary to be a healthy, independent, autonomous, human being. I will now be a woman who fully digs her own depth, embraces her own heart, and engages with her own mind. I take myself in as I imagine a tender lover would, and simply listen and appreciate all that I am.

And this is just the beginning of the changes occurring.  This is level 2 in the chase for freedom.  Internal was phase 1.  External integration phase 2..and I'll tell you what...I am for the first time feeling the master of my reality.

Cheers and a drink to that.