Dissolution

To dissolve one's self, initially sounds, nihilistic. It leaves us feeling too open, without our cherished morals, believes, and values. To most, dissolving everything that has been built, worked for, over the years, seems pure madness. It required on my end, to see the current reality and belief system held at the time crack and fall apart to even begin to conceive such a concept. It was necessary for the dormant seeds of discontent to sprout furiously, blooming my hidden suspicions, no longer allowing them to be denied. In the unfolding of my story, such a dramatic collapse of my previous perception of the world was necessary to see through it. Stark, certainly, but it created a resolve, a determination, to see through the delusional state we were creating and living our lives.

When everything was falling apart, and inside I was burning up everything that I'd ever known, believed or cherished, I could see why others thought it was madness, depression, and why I saw it was the only way. I was running against the pack. I was going against the grain. It was unnatural. To separate, isolate. I felt the disconnection, and I agree, it felt unnatural, but what I'd realized was that I had never really been connected.

Everywhere I observed others, I saw cliques bound not by some deep, indestructible knowing, but by superficial man-made parameters. 'I believe this, and you believe that, so I'll hang out here, and you hang out there, and leave me alone.' The duality and fragmentation under which we constructed our lives was clearly an unstable foundation. Tipping from one extreme to the other, a time bomb.

The desire for connection was there, but in such circumstances, connection felt conditional, like another trap. I was scared out of my wits. I'd never been so alone, so confused, so depressed. The idea of ending up in a looney bin was amusing, especially since I felt stuck in one already.

The unknown, what was beyond all this, at first appeared as a big gaping hole. Abysmal, and terrifying. The more I sought this place within, the more confusing trying to make sense of things was. There was nothing to make sense of. The riddle of the question. Where did the inquiry begin? I remember the day this question was answered. It had been a hectic day. I was laying in the driveway looking up at the stars, begging for an answer, for something to once again make sense. "It isn't the question that is problem, but where we were looking for the answers. Within the limited scope of our minds, we will never make sense of things. Get beyond. " I didn't hear this. I felt it. The information, the knowing of this began to run through my entire body. Warm and soothing, comforting it relaxed my anxious and tired mind.

That was connection. The way it ingrained such wisdom into my being made it undeniably more reliable than any other source of information I had ever encountered. It's been since moments like this that the path unfolding involved a seeking this current, that carried with it the deepest wisdom, the purest love, and the vitality required to see in such a different light.

So, when you read dissolution, when you hear it, and hopefully feel it, I offer a translation. Do not see the end to your self, but a beginning. Do not see a death, but a birth. All that falls away, is no longer necessary, and will not be missed.