Refreshing Reminicense

FRESH air.  I did not realize how long it's been since I had a nice inhale of nitrogen filled freshness! My morning routine began with wobbling across the house to let Molly, our Catahoula, out this morning.  My sleepy eyes grew wide, as my scalp and toes felt tingled by the sensation of a cool breeze. A full gray sky promises it to stay this way for the rest of the day, but in Texas, in Corpus Christi, one should not make such assumptions so quickly.  Despite of how the day will end, this refreshing surprise, is a beautiful start.  My heart feels light and filled with promise. The windows are open now, the air is flowing, and I can feel the air in the house shifting.  Much much needed I will say.  All this really sets the tone for me to twinge a bit as my mind flashes through many moments down memory lane through all the times that promising change has been on the horizon. You know that moment where you are a child again, in exploration mode, facing the unknown, open and excited to learn and understand, it's no surprise that such a feeling creates magical state of perception.  Before, this feeling came through times of instability, through perseverance, through turmoil, through leaving, detaching, all for nothingness, for expansiveness of being. I was young, fast, and impulsive, and dry sponges absorb the most moisture much quicker you could say.  Presently, it comes through sitting and enjoying the moment, through embracing my family, going for walks and playing with Molly, crafting, and most of all through working in my growing garden.  I am young still, but now slower, steadier, more balanced, and there is a great sense of empowerment that accompanies that.  Entering this refreshing fall with cooler winds and refreshing rain, I am ready to soak in all the beautiful change that has occurred this year.  It's nice to see that in a year that began with the resolution to find balance I cross the first half with my toes squishing delightfully in the mud, while still reaching up to the farthest stars, all while my wonderful little (and growing) family live, love, and laugh with me.

I once sat and watched a sunrise after a long run and deeply meditated on what journey would be the best for a clear mind, an open heart, and the perception of a newborn.  What came was not to climb a holy mountain, or become some sort of guru, but to live the normal life, the daily life, fully.  I admit to being a little puzzled, but six years later, I could not have a better answer.  The trials of learning to love one person fully, the challenges of motherhood, and facing my fear of stability, have inspired a growth I could of never imagined for myself. In the way my heart has grown, the wisdom my being has gained, the understanding that reshapes my mind daily, I can see a happy old lady a ways down the road, sitting on a porch, surrounded by a over grown edible garden, watching her grandchildren play, holding the hand of her life partner, with a serene, satisfied smile on her face.

Today I end with a poem.  To all of you who take the time to listen to what this little seed's heart has to say, I send my most sincere dose of gratitude.  Make today wonderful.  :-)

Once, some time ago, a seed,
Staring at the bright stars
Dreamed to shine
Like the diamonds that sparkled
On the expansive black canopy above

Inspired, the seed,
Began to dig the rich soil
For purpose
For understanding
Hoping in black gold to find wisdom

The seed
Sitting in the dark after a long day of digging
Began to birth a plant inside.

As it dried and withered
The plant filled it's being
Broke its shell and
Transformed it forever

The roots continued to dig deep,
thirsty for wisdom and guidance.

The stem reached upward,
still dreaming of beyond.

The leaves began to appear,
at every node of growth.

The branches stretched out,
reaching for life lessons.

How it is life cycles in it's changing
seasons?
How does life appear in the brew of
all these natural forces?

The new, transformed, little seedling,
pondered, grew, and stretched
again, and again.
Digging deeper and Reaching higher
Over and over,
again and again...

Until one day,
It rained!
It shined!

And as it danced with the wind,
soaked up the rain,
and felt the sun,
the plant felt the universe
light up its heart.

Filled within with the understanding
It had for so long
dug, hoped, and reached for,
the plant shined vibrantly
in the most exquisite green.

In this state of happiness
it bloomed a magnificent pink and purple flower
And called itself
A Unicorn.

FREEDOM: PHASE 2: External Integration

I have been in many ways declaring my freedom lately, and this evening is no exception. I am currently sitting in one of Corpus Christi's fanciest hotels, sipping on a glass of fine Malbec wine, and enjoying a beautiful view of our bay.   I did something unusual today. I openly declared to Josh, my husband, I needed some time alone, and without hesitation headed out the door. No official plan, just time to my self.  My Self.  Being a advocate of supporting local community my first thoughts were to go to a local cafe or tea house, but I didn't want to be known, I desired to be somewhere where I was unfamiliar.  As I drove down the hotel strip, I saw the Omni in which my parents and I stayed so many times during my childhood, and knew that was it.  For an evening I am a tourist, enjoying the Corpus Christi Bay as if I have never seen it before.  It takes a few moments (ok a few seconds) to enjoy the royalty with which I treat myself tonight.  With a fine Malbec as my companion, I sip in the afternoon, as the cars pass through, the runners sweat on by, the afternoon breeze sways all palm trees to a slight left, and I smile.  I am finding the importance of taking the time to make myself smile much more seriously. If I declared on Facebook the kind of relationship I have been having with myself,  the relationship status 'Abandoned' would have be added to the selection. A question arises; how many of us know what makes us happy?  How many of us cater to our individuality, respect it? I can understand why we don't.  There are plenty of perfectly valid sounding excuses to do so.  Trust me, I know, I've told myself plenty.  When you are a parent, there is no time to be selfish.  Too focused on surviving and getting everything done is far more than enough on the plate. To just enjoy life? Don't you dare try! Where would you find the time?!  I could feel the eyes of all on me just from thinking I'd like sometime alone.  And yet, now here I am, giving myself an afternoon, and it's far from the big deal imagined it would be.

To those of you, especially those with families, who've managed to successfully give all aspects of your life proper time, I tip my glass of Malbec to you and cheer for your skill at balancing all these plates life asks us to juggle, but in honesty, this is something I've had the hardest time with.  One of my favorite things to do since a teenager, to enjoy time with myself, has been hard since becoming a mother.  I could not see being devoted to such an important task, and being able to walk away for a minute working out.  For the sake of company and friendship I managed to justify, but not for myself.  Not anymore I would say.

Well, now I say, never again, will I refuse to deliver myself the time necessary to be a healthy, independent, autonomous, human being. I will now be a woman who fully digs her own depth, embraces her own heart, and engages with her own mind. I take myself in as I imagine a tender lover would, and simply listen and appreciate all that I am.

And this is just the beginning of the changes occurring.  This is level 2 in the chase for freedom.  Internal was phase 1.  External integration phase 2..and I'll tell you what...I am for the first time feeling the master of my reality.

Cheers and a drink to that.

Domino Effect

Photo Credit: One Domino (Great video in link, that offers a detailed example of the domino effect)

Post inspired by Joe's "Dirty Dirties"

It's one fear.  One core fear. The scariest thought, the outcome you dare not consider, your darkest secret, your most shameful memory. It has burdened your journey long enough to feel it is a part of you, and has in many ways shaped who you are. It controls the decisions you make and is the cause for the hesitations  you take to simply LIVE.  It is that which has convinced you are limited and you better not dare proclaim otherwise. It is what assures you over and over you don't deserve to be free.

But if for a moment,  truth is allowed to shine it's light, in it's glare, you'd see freedom.  Maybe you have seen it, in glimpses, but lacked the courage or strength needed to follow through.

Is your story the one that ends without obtaining freedom?  Is your story the one that ends in that moment of sorrow where the person looks out the window with regret emitting mournfully out of their last breath, wondering what if? If your life were taken today, where would you stand?

When choosing to work our lives around preventing a fear from coming true, a domino effect begins to take effect.  Just as one lie can escalate of out control, so can a fear.  When we look at our lives, how many choices are made in the direction of living bravely in honesty and trusting what unfolds? How many  are choices are made to maneuver our lives around avoiding surfacing some aspect of ourselves we are not comfortable with, or a situation we fear?

Ask yourself, are you building a maze of fear, or unfolding the path of truth?

Just as it started with one fear...you can change the direction by making one brave move.

Imagine that. Looking back at a life of brave and honest choices.  Imagine that.

And it starts with just ONE brave move.

Day Four

It seems I have had my fill. By day four my eyes are open a little before eight, and I lay in bed just listening to the birds and swaying branches and passing cars and lawns being mown in the distance until about nine. I am still not deeply breathing, but my breathe is more open. As I expand within myself, I feel the kinks of stress twinge and respond to the stretch. I have had a quite interesting experience with back pain recently. After some stressful events I began to have terrible shoulder pain, a sort of sharp swelling, that has over the course of two weeks travelled down my back. It seems my life so rarely has such type of stress induced, that my body reacted aggressively to it. Now it's last bits lay mostly in my lower back, and leave only little stiffness in the shoulder blades.

As this week soon comes to end, I have realized a couple of things. I find the term "I" very useful to distinguishing the internal processing of this entity, for the sake of understanding and openly expressing this self. Non dual talk is officially in the garbage. Second, I am a hermit who loves to be alone, separated from the insanity of humanity in most of it's ways. In the last years I made an honest attempt to seek out friends, company, that would hopefully enrich the story unfolding, but that has not been the case. Besides I listen to myself better, alone. Third, I am raising a human being and there is nothing more important to me than that. The reason I can not paint, or draw, or what have you, is because my current focus does not allot the time I need to work, and I do no work fast nor rushed. I do not have time for layers of paint to dry. I do not have time to get a sketch right. Writing seems to be a reasonable outlet. I enjoy it just as much anyway. I have in idleness found my priorities. More than being a gallery artist, I would rather express my creativity through enriching and deeply enjoying my daughter's childhood and diving into the world of self sustainability.

I never liked painting on rectangles anyway..much to in the box feel, constricted to size, and shape. My picture, my vision, just doesn't fit.

Righteous Self Indulgence

I haven't written for a while now, and I can not guarantee that there will something for you to read. I can only follow the moment and use the time allotted. I have a week where the days are free, with no plans or appointments or children and the hubby is around only until the late afternoon. On day 1 I burned the to do list that had just been carefully and meticulously fabricated the day before and slept in until about 11, sadly this was as late as I could manage to keep myself in and out of desired sleep, tossing and turning hoping the sun could turn off so I could rest. It was until I'd given up that hope that I got myself out of bed and hugged a warm cup of coffee served from my wonderful no carafe coffee maker scheduled to keep my coffee warm for four more hours. No rush. I sank pleasurably into the the silence of the house. No phone nearby beeping notifications, the TV and music player off, only the sounds of the air conditioner turning on and off and the scuffling of our guinea pig, Freeduh, accompanied me. Such a wonderful moment is hardly delivered to me now a days. And yet somehow I manage to let a twinge of guilt come through, nudging, urging, to get one thing done. You'd be happy to know I quickly shrugged that pestering thought off. There was just no way I was going to waste my time on guilt, not at least before I guiltlessly selfishly self indulged in the nothingness of the present moment first.

I sit, sip, and dive into the inner world that has been dormant, cast aside, listed as not a priority in my usual day of being. I know it's a priority. I know it's important. But there just isn't enough time. If I selfishly indulge in a cup of coffee and write for an hour, maybe two, I will by the end have become a neglectful mother of a four year old, who will be running around first happily, then idly, then desperately beg for me to join her in embracing the day and get some love and attention. I can't quite swallow that being the case. At night, when she is asleep I will sip on a warm cup of tea I assure myself daily. Right. Is that before or after you spend time with your husband watching yet another movie, or before you crawl into bed half asleep after scratching Maya's back for an hour? Truth is, even when I try to make time, I only seem to add unnecessary stress instead.

So allow me this week of self indulgence, where I am not preoccupied with being a mother or a wife or a community organizer or friend, but just a moody, pensive, deep in existential thought of a being. There will be plenty of time, I am sure, for everything else, eventually.

Untangled Heart

As my heart untangles itself from the past,

 for a moment it is present.

Here

A moment of freedom

A moment of love

Where your eyes become mirrors

of all I want to see

Where my body is beating a pulse

of higher vibration

Here

 I feel liberation

I can be without fear

I am released from tears

In this moment 

I can see a door

to a lit room

of exploding light

As I walk through the door

I am immersed in Love

I am light

I am you

Talking Soul Waking Heart

As the wave rolls in and touches my toes,

an ancient part of me awakes from a deep slumber.

The cold tingling desire that arises within my heart is once again familiar.

Needing no more

I dive in and embrace my own depth

Then I come up and and embrace my own freedom.

My soul once again speaks through a pen

My heart once again clearly on paper

Oh Joy!

I float in a sea of happiness...

A simple but treasured delight has been returned to me

as the sun rises after a very long night.

What delight!