Embodiment After Transcendence: Social awareness and Activism through Modeling Behavior of our Authentic State of Being

On the tenth night of October of 2006, I laid in my apartment floor feeling how the carpet hairs made my skin tingle as they danced a passionate tango with the goosebumps that rose across my arms, legs, and the back of my neck.  I stared at the ceiling fan and watched it spin as one would if the concept of time had suddenly become extinct and eternity were being felt and experienced directly for the very first time. A perceptive shift was reconfiguring my entire reality and I could feel it happening. I felt the liberation, the shock, the emptiness, and then, the healing.  It was quiet. Very quiet. Inside, not a single thought was occurring.  This freed up a lot of space for my senses to explore and be immersed in a constant state of curiosity and wonder. No assumptions were made. No hesitations. No concepts. No boundaries.  The full direct experience of this reality in full flared awareness was so overwhelming I could not move. I could only lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling fan, and you know what? It was fucking amazing.  Nothing could stop the joy from bursting out of me, nothing.

I want to help you relate by saying it was as if my life and my death were happening all at once so you could try to imagine that and say you could feel what I felt, but the thing is, I couldn't feel myself dying.  In concept, we create a story, in story we create separation, and in separation we create death.  Without concept, every cell was a battery that was constantly being recharged without effort, in eternity, it simply happened. All was taken care of.  Without thought interference the body was functioning perfectly, and so the experience of laying flat on the floor, in full senses,  was an absolutely fascinating experience. It was as if the ceiling fan was capable of telling the story of its consciousness, and I could listen to it.

My eyes began to look around. The high ceilings reflected different tones of white, cream, beige, gray, and yellow. It seemed more of a patchy fog rather than a flat solid wall of white.  I could not see solidity in the ceiling.  As the colorful patches of ceiling floated above me, it was as if I could see smaller and smaller particles the longer I stared. I did not want to close my eyes.  Without effort, my eyes stayed open, my breathe paced steadily, while my brain fired up the entire experience.  I looked for corners and only saw a foggy gray expanse.

I turned my head to the side and observed the texture of the carpet. As I observed every carpet hair, shinning and reflecting the light above me, the cool air from the vent above fell steadily on my skin. I stared  into the distance, then stared up close, and a black opening, with matrix like feel to it began to appear, as this purple electricity arising out of it expanded as I focused on it.

I could see through the projection of subject/object, but what is this behind it?

My body engulfs in an overwhelming load of excitement and intrigue, like a character from a video game suddenly becoming aware of being only a figment of light emanating from a television set. What a majestic realization considering the physical limitations of the entity.

What the hell do I do now? I look around. I take it in.

My roommate comes into the apartment. I hear the front door open and close, her footsteps cross the apartment, her door shuts, and I am in awe at the experience without concept present.  Nothing is internally said. No labels. No doors, person, or person's name, or the relationship to that person. No feet. Just sounds.  Had I been in the room it would of been sights without names or labels as well, but this offered me the opportunity to experience sound without visual concepts to interfere or define. In awe, I went to the computer and picked out a song I normally hated, and listened.  No judgment occurred. Just sound. Amazing sound. All of it holy. All of it a unique symphony of pulses of existence, expressed for a moment, vibrations of existence going along their way.

I was 21. This is how my adulthood began.

After some time, when the thoughts returned, the question that begged an answer above all was:

Would it make any difference?

Would I be able to fall in love?  What was love to me now? Would I go off to some obscure sacred land, or spend some time in a monastery? Would I write a book? Could I write at all? Should I talk about it? Could I talk about it?

Seven years later I can tell you, YES, it makes a world of a difference. It has taken some time to adjust but, YES, it's worth it.   I can fall in love deeply, without reservation, AND let go, when its time to go.  I can enjoy a landscape whether local or on vacation and enjoy nature's magnificence with the wonder and innocence of a child. I'm finally writing, as my heart much more easily finds the words that create a flexible conceptualization of that subtle inner state I'm pointing to that is inside of all of us, begging to be found.

These evolutionary shifts are an integral part of our growth, and much more natural to follow than the previous systems, for many had such rigid structures it became difficult to integrate growth dynamics and change.  Movement is life. We are fluid beings that are built to get up and try again until we get it right.  We are beings of process not perfection. These experiences of the subtle states are an initiation, a glimpse of the eternal, that give us what we need to begin to release ourselves from the shackles of self imposed limitation, fears, and death.

Although it was not the back door or the secret exit to the next vortex, working hard to purge my inner self of old paradigms and thought processes has made this reality a new beginning. I see the same life with different eyes, and through this new lens my reality is transformed into pure magic. The full flared awareness of my evolution is a roller coaster ride where I am now a conscious co-creator rather than a mere passenger. I take responsibility for what I create. I find passion in my maturing social awareness, where I realize we are all interconnected, and we are all creating our microcosm in this majestic macrocosm, pulsing out with the rest of what is out there.

I vow to pulse truth, love, and freedom with all my might. I vow to be a guardian of our innocence, our curiosity, and sense of wonder.  I promise to remind the world of the purity of our consciousness and that we are here to play.  And life now manifests the perfect scenario to do that every day.

So, in end, if you ever wonder if it's worth being willing, I am here to tell you, I would have it not other way.

Namaste.

Loving Every Curve Inside and Out

My Birthday weekend began the way I'd envisioned it.  I was running from disappointment, so I headed where I had done my running from things best, my hometown, Brownsville, Texas. Like a good life long friend, it holds the neighborhoods that return to the surface the memories of my young childhood days. It was the home for my rebellious teenage years and like a good girlfriend, it had held space for my teen angst and allowed it to unleash its fury. It was a place that was tough for my soul to grow up in, but despite, it provided the opportunity to experience specific troubles and struggles that shape who I am, or better yet, have learned not to be. I grew up identifying with what my best friend Rudy called the 'stray cat syndrome.'  I loved to be loved, I loved to be embraced, and fed, and nourished, but I was too proud to allow it, too hurt to be vulnerable.  On my terms only, or none at all.  If you haven't noticed yet, freedom is incredibly important to me. During this trip I learned my ideas of freedom at these points in my life were immature, and this return to home made the evolution of my concept of freedom very clear.

The difference between this latest attempt to hide my Birthday from the rest was how quickly I noticed. When my Birthday arrived, I felt a significant difference.  I did not need silence or isolation anymore.  Like a student of meditation coming out of a silent retreat, I felt great need to express the joy and happiness bursting out, and I very much wanted to share it with friends, and their friends, and whomever wanted to be a part of the fun.  I realized I had arrived to a place where I was open to love and be loved.  The journey of embodiment continues to settle in and come full circle, inside and out. In Presence, there is an integration of self occurring in both purpose and direction.  My discipline tuned in and included 'me' and the course steadily moved forward. 

Brownsville's backroads beckoned me to explore them.  I drove those curvy county roads filled with Mesquite trees and Orange Orchards. I passed the Resacas lined with Palm trees, and the fields of Sunflowers facing the sun, bursting with joy and liberation, but most of all, tender integration. I drove, I explored, and I fell in love. I see the home of my childhood with the same wonder as I did when I was five, but better, through the improved lense of full flared self awareness. Here the landscape of my past is healed and I'm finally at peace with every aspect of myself, and I feel the freedom and lightness of being as I sweetly, in this landscape, fully embrace and love all that is me. 

I had initially not felt sure of seeing my parents, since it is one of the most sensitive places for me to revisit, but the courage brought by this weekend's breakthrough send a positive sign towards the opportunity.  I said to myself nothing needed to change, neither I or them, we were only souls learning, and love and learning is what supplies the rest.  I am very happy I was brave enough to do so.  Their religion does not permit them to talk to someone who was baptized within the religion and then decided to opt out, and this has been a cause of deep pain for all of us. I decided to love them through this, deeply and sincerely.  I am grateful I gave myself the opportunity to love them, and I clearly see how they are an integral part of me, and how I carry them inside of me. As we grow old together our similarities become more obvious, from mannerisms, to looks, to tastes, and tendencies.  I admire them for who they are, the struggles they endure, and am deeply grateful for all they have taught me about life.  Because of them a quest for Truth was inspired, because of them, freedom is the core of my being, and through them I've learned that Love is the benevolent force that should never be compromised, for it is the key to successfully and consciously evolve as a humanity. 

I come home satisfied and begin the 28th year of my life with a good hug to my past, a loud cheer for my present, and a giggle of excitement for my future. 

Transition Lenses

I had for several years now attempted to see this world through those transcendent lenses that had once showed me the amazing capabilities of man in a state of conscious and selfless purity.  Such a clean direct view seemed the ultimate form of perception.  Yet, in always attempting to transcend the moment, see beyond it, or in it always digging for deeper and deeper depth, I had forgotten how to enjoy shallow water.  For the repetitive, everyday tasks of the day, transcendence did little for me, and eventually my reality was arising through a filter of frustration.  Five years in, I understood the stress and the grime my neighbors and friends carried heavily, but I did not have a door.  The fact was, there was no exit.  When I had first embarked on the journey to transcend my limited egoic perceptive state I was running from reality.  I'd had it with the lies, the limitation, the chains and constrains of concept, subject/object dualities. I wanted more. I wanted out.  Through diligence and dedication I transcended, but I did not escape, or disappear.   What to do next? I've sat on this one question for many years, and attempted to give it an answer and a purpose, but nothing felt solid.  Then, my dear soul brother, Boz, reappeared with a writing where he told the story of a car ride to a marathon with a Buddhist.  When asked about the topic of meditation, he mentioned his method to be one of organizing thoughts where they are much more easily digested, and that his practice was about finding joy in repetitive tasks.  Couple difficult thoughts with an easy, stable thought, such as 'the grass is green' and enjoy every second of life.  The light bulb turned on above my head.  In practicing this, the integration of self, that last bit necessary to ruthlessly and confidently own every fiber of my being fell into place.  I began to immerse in joy every moment of my life.  The good and bad humbly experienced through a state of benevolence. They gray expansive neutralizing the dual perception so that every experience is embraced and accepted for the sake of experiencing life through the unique recipe of 'I'.

 There is much to enjoy in being alive.

Like an artist who only knew paint and has now discovered mixed media, I rejoice in having gained new tools to help co-create an evolving reality.  My hope is that one day we all do it joyously, together.

  I understand without a doubt now that to stand for suffering is absolutely futile.  There is way too much in life available to fill our hearts with joy to consider otherwise.  What is pure to your heart, is pure to your purpose, and what is pure in path is essential to the evolution of humankind and the embodiment of consciousness.  When we are not boxed in we are filled with opportunity. The possibilities are endless, and all that is left is that we reflect in our steps and choose wisely the adventure.  Each of our lives is a unique adventure. A story unfolding.  When we say "things have to be this way" or "this is the way things have always been" we speak lies! The truth is life is always changing, maneuvering, growing, transforming, evolving, and taking flight.  Movement is life.

The effect of this practice is to create a perception through which every moment is honored so deeply, it purifies the desires of the conscious being.  Humbled by the ability to enjoy every moment of life, one is delivered the energy needed to see the possibilities for growth and improvement as achievable endeavors.  We are beings of process not perfection.  Enjoy the journey. This my friends, will eliminate much shame we carry, for here, we can accept ourselves as we are, for simply existing. 

I close my thoughts for today by taking a moment to honor the nomad in all of us, the lover of movement, transition, and growth. Please, in honor of the freedom in us all,  check out Joe Boswell's site for his upcoming book, and his kickstarter campaign to offer much deserved support:


https://spacetimebicycle.jux.com/

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1056605397/spacetime-bicycle-a-transformative-peace-of-nonfic

Enjoy!