ID

I'm 36 years old now. I am officially raising a teenage daughter. I am divorced. I'm a college drop out. I've been heart broken. Many times. If I listed the things that I have now been to my 2006 self, I think we would agree. The mission is complete. The questions have been answered. And love...love is not what we hoped it would be. It was the gigantic detour I was warned it would be. But I was incredibly stubborn. I insisted on having that to hold on to if everything else was to go. and I sure as hell did fucken try. It's been a bittersweet knowing, one I defied with dogged determination, to be beyond love. I tried not to be. I could never say, in earnest, I was one of those who wanted to be, if anyting I was quite the romantic. But the end result was always the same. I couldn't run from what insisted on facing me, again and again. I wouldn't rush to call it a truth, or the truth, but rather a falling away of deeply embedded delusion. Fucken ey. These days, I dance mostly. When the girls are not with me, I hit a couple of underground rave spots that found me, and I start moving, and until I stop thinking. I've been pushing my limits a bit much lately. Staying up till sunrise, staying up all day, over and over until I crash. In my head, I'm determined to energetically unlock something inside me, to let something out. It refuses to be repressed any longer. Shadow work seems to be more my thing. I have not gained an appetite for love and light peeps, despite Jed Mckenna is still an annoying pompous prick no matter how many times I reread him, even if I do agree with somethings he pointed out. I do I get the disillusionment he points to though. and the deep sense of wonder. I will admit to deeply seeded anger and even resentment. I've been a promising student many times, and many times abandonded, I've been left astray, rather than refined for final mastery. I've been holding back that anger for a few years now, a good solid decade if we're being real. I've been patting myself down, justifying those teachers who abandoned me and what cause or motive they might have in having done so. I admit I get a good preliminary laugh at the thought that you'll think I'm not enlighted because I said that. Consider me an angsty diamond in the rough, but know, I am a diamond at the end of the day. I've got a theory that I'm some sort of existential guinea pig for the path I've been led down. Got a couple of peak experiences to prove it, though, you'll have to wait for the memoir, those are not quite ready for a public eye. You know what it feels like? It feels as if I was about to rebirth and I got stuck in some limbo state. Pros - I can navigate the world of ID and non ID back and forth. Con's - Living in conscious awareness of the limbo is a viscerally painful experience. It's being sliced slowly, instead of swiftly. I'm done internalizing the blame for that, because this whole waking up thing is a collective effort, it's complete bullshit people make it there alone, and that's for scientifically verifiable biological reasons and spritual reasons. Let's just say my detour has taught me a lot. There's at least that. Despite the effectiveness of negation excercises to decondition the mental programming, there's gotta be something in place to rewire and reprogram the person in transition of perceptive capacity. I've always got more questions than answers, but now, I've got a few mother fucking things to say. #1 - After being hurt for so long - it feels real damn good to be angry. #2 - Decondition the ID yes - Deprogram mind - yes - but do not toss the baby out with the baby water. YOU are here. YOU deserve to be here. Include 'I' in the equation for reintegration, but don't confuse yourself with GOD just because your perception momentarily expanded a bit. Balance ya now or you'll get wound up in silly talk. #3 - Here - in whatever the heck this is - this holographic simulation birthed from a 4D demi-urge dragon womb that feeds off of light to produce dark mater - somehow is reactive to the idea of truth and particularly to 'I' being conscious of it. There is no rest, true rest since waking. No matter how nice the day, or how beautiful the connection. and there is no security that I'll ever get to see the exit or if there is a final truth at the top of the summit. I lean on believing I live in conscious awareness of an ingeniously crafted existential ridde these days.. So there is the pending hypothesis, and enough evidence to consider officially theorizing...that even this - is not truth realization - or rather that truth realization is embedded into the intelligence of the design that lives and breathes and we call our heart. There is a chance - nothing was outsmarted at all. more on that and the coding of reality later. I think that's enough, for me to type for now. Later.