My Birthday weekend began the way I'd envisioned it. I was running from disappointment, so I headed where I had done my running from things best, my hometown, Brownsville, Texas. Like a good life long friend, it holds the neighborhoods that return to the surface the memories of my young childhood days. It was the home for my rebellious teenage years and like a good girlfriend, it had held space for my teen angst and allowed it to unleash its fury. It was a place that was tough for my soul to grow up in, but despite, it provided the opportunity to experience specific troubles and struggles that shape who I am, or better yet, have learned not to be. I grew up identifying with what my best friend Rudy called the 'stray cat syndrome.' I loved to be loved, I loved to be embraced, and fed, and nourished, but I was too proud to allow it, too hurt to be vulnerable. On my terms only, or none at all. If you haven't noticed yet, freedom is incredibly important to me. During this trip I learned my ideas of freedom at these points in my life were immature, and this return to home made the evolution of my concept of freedom very clear.
The difference between this latest attempt to hide my Birthday from the rest was how quickly I noticed. When my Birthday arrived, I felt a significant difference. I did not need silence or isolation anymore. Like a student of meditation coming out of a silent retreat, I felt great need to express the joy and happiness bursting out, and I very much wanted to share it with friends, and their friends, and whomever wanted to be a part of the fun. I realized I had arrived to a place where I was open to love and be loved. The journey of embodiment continues to settle in and come full circle, inside and out. In Presence, there is an integration of self occurring in both purpose and direction. My discipline tuned in and included 'me' and the course steadily moved forward.
Brownsville's backroads beckoned me to explore them. I drove those curvy county roads filled with Mesquite trees and Orange Orchards. I passed the Resacas lined with Palm trees, and the fields of Sunflowers facing the sun, bursting with joy and liberation, but most of all, tender integration. I drove, I explored, and I fell in love. I see the home of my childhood with the same wonder as I did when I was five, but better, through the improved lense of full flared self awareness. Here the landscape of my past is healed and I'm finally at peace with every aspect of myself, and I feel the freedom and lightness of being as I sweetly, in this landscape, fully embrace and love all that is me.
I had initially not felt sure of seeing my parents, since it is one of the most sensitive places for me to revisit, but the courage brought by this weekend's breakthrough send a positive sign towards the opportunity. I said to myself nothing needed to change, neither I or them, we were only souls learning, and love and learning is what supplies the rest. I am very happy I was brave enough to do so. Their religion does not permit them to talk to someone who was baptized within the religion and then decided to opt out, and this has been a cause of deep pain for all of us. I decided to love them through this, deeply and sincerely. I am grateful I gave myself the opportunity to love them, and I clearly see how they are an integral part of me, and how I carry them inside of me. As we grow old together our similarities become more obvious, from mannerisms, to looks, to tastes, and tendencies. I admire them for who they are, the struggles they endure, and am deeply grateful for all they have taught me about life. Because of them a quest for Truth was inspired, because of them, freedom is the core of my being, and through them I've learned that Love is the benevolent force that should never be compromised, for it is the key to successfully and consciously evolve as a humanity.
I come home satisfied and begin the 28th year of my life with a good hug to my past, a loud cheer for my present, and a giggle of excitement for my future.
