Day Four

It seems I have had my fill. By day four my eyes are open a little before eight, and I lay in bed just listening to the birds and swaying branches and passing cars and lawns being mown in the distance until about nine. I am still not deeply breathing, but my breathe is more open. As I expand within myself, I feel the kinks of stress twinge and respond to the stretch. I have had a quite interesting experience with back pain recently. After some stressful events I began to have terrible shoulder pain, a sort of sharp swelling, that has over the course of two weeks travelled down my back. It seems my life so rarely has such type of stress induced, that my body reacted aggressively to it. Now it's last bits lay mostly in my lower back, and leave only little stiffness in the shoulder blades.

As this week soon comes to end, I have realized a couple of things. I find the term "I" very useful to distinguishing the internal processing of this entity, for the sake of understanding and openly expressing this self. Non dual talk is officially in the garbage. Second, I am a hermit who loves to be alone, separated from the insanity of humanity in most of it's ways. In the last years I made an honest attempt to seek out friends, company, that would hopefully enrich the story unfolding, but that has not been the case. Besides I listen to myself better, alone. Third, I am raising a human being and there is nothing more important to me than that. The reason I can not paint, or draw, or what have you, is because my current focus does not allot the time I need to work, and I do no work fast nor rushed. I do not have time for layers of paint to dry. I do not have time to get a sketch right. Writing seems to be a reasonable outlet. I enjoy it just as much anyway. I have in idleness found my priorities. More than being a gallery artist, I would rather express my creativity through enriching and deeply enjoying my daughter's childhood and diving into the world of self sustainability.

I never liked painting on rectangles anyway..much to in the box feel, constricted to size, and shape. My picture, my vision, just doesn't fit.